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My head and emotions are erratic at the moment and I can't seem to understand or know exactly how I'm feeling. I'm currently signed off sick from work for two weeks due to “stress related problems”. Unexpectedly, I don't feel guilty about it. But it does mean I'm forced to stop and take a look at our situation. I feel I should probably elaborate on the current situation. Approx 3 weeks ago I received a phone call whilst at work from a friend who was concerned about Dexter after she'd had a phone conversation with him. Her concerns were justified as he was disorientated and appeared to be dealing with a lot of voices as well as thought disorder. Our friend hasn't had to phone me before at work, so I knew she was worried. I went home and his sister and mother were at our house, they too were concerned after a phone conversation they'd had with him. He wanted to cut all his hair off and thankfully, after much persuasion, he decided to let his mum just cut some off, not all! (last time I tried to cut his hair, he ended up with a bowl cut!not a good look). Dexter continued hearing the voices, they never seems to go anyway, it appears to be some days are slightly easier to deal with than others.

A couple of days later I was, again, at work, when I received a call. This time from his CPN who then put Dexter on the phone. Dexter told me they were on their way to A&E for him to be voluntarily admitted. Dexter has never been admitted to hospital. I was at work so was already at the hospital, so didn't need to go far to meet them, so about 3 fags later some deep breaths and with some shakes I met a wild eyed, scared husband with a CPN who doesn't talk much. We booked into A&E, the whole time I'm still wondering why we were suddenly in this situation. We sat down in the main waiting area where a few kids were running about, a group of people in their late teens who'd just been in a minor car accident were loudly talking to each other, a few people were hobbling on crutches and a TV that's picture kept rolling. Not a particularly good environment for someone who can't really focus on reality. Whilst I was observing this, Dexter was grabbing my attention with his eyes, so the CPN couldn't see, and whispering to me “let's go, I can't do this”, getting more and more anxious. All I wanted to do was grab him and run, but he'd agreed to be here, he wanted help. That's all the information I had other than seeing the state Dexter was in. It started to sink in what help he was asking for and this now scared him, to the point of causing more harm than good. So Dexter directed questions at the CPN like “If we see the Dr can they section me?”, the CPN couldn't realistically give Dexter a yes or no answer, because he has to maintain Dexters trust and could also see the effect being in a hospital environment now had on Dexter. On the back of that and the CPN knowing I would be at home the following day, we left. And both breathed a sigh of relief when entering our house.

The following day the CPN contacted me with an appointment for Dexter to see the psychiatrist. At the appointment the psychiatrist, who is quite direct and straight with Dexter (something he responds well to), stated she thinks he is treatment resistant. And that the next option is Clozapine. She explained they can start home therapy initially, but feels he would probably need to be admitted for monitoring, due to his history of low blood pressure. She continued to explain the side effects. Armed with this information, Dexter had a decision to make by the following Friday. And I went back to work immediately after the appointment confused and tired. I decided to make an appointment with my GP, after 2 years my head was now done in, the pressure felt immense, I wanted to be with Dexter and I didn't feel it was safe for me to be working, mainly for my patients benefit! Dexter decided against Clozapine, which I and every person we consulted about it agreed with. But didn't tell him until after he'd made the decision. For our situation, the benefits just didn't outweigh the risks and Dexter is an extremely intelligent, articulate, rational and logical person, who thought about this carefully. Dexter and I decided that if it came to a point that he could no longer reason with not taking it then it would be a last resort. That was just over a week ago, we've now had a week to settle down after all that excitement but the voices and visions continue to be as strong as they were two weeks ago. If not a little more. I don't know how to help him. He continues to take the medication, which isn't giving him unmanageable side effects but to all intense and purposes doesn't work for him. We're researching at the moment, with a view of trying to work out a care plan of our own for Dexter. It's very difficult to ascertain a clear point of view on Schizophrenia, it's treatment options and how to live with it. Because it's different for everyone. So how do you know what will help for him. Alongside this I'm debating what to do about my current working status long term and what that means to us financially. In regards to Dexters plan with the mental health team the CPN is happy with his decision to not take Clozapine and has offered to refer Dexter to the psychological services, CBT doesn't work for Dexter, so maybe psycho analysis might. Blah.